How You Should Eliminate Problems (Part II)

What if you could put an end to all of your problems?

As said last Tuesday, I understand when problems seem to drag you down — life by nature is messy. After overcoming three mental health hospitalizations and since studying in philosophy and psychology, I will share to you what will eliminate your problems and make your life superior to what it was before.

On the other hand, you’ll live with unnecessary problems, waste time, and be unhappy.

Here’s your plan to eliminating your problems:

1. Carry out the separation of tasks.
2. Deny the desire for recognition.
3. Be earnest but not too serious.
   

Today will focus on explaining principle two, so if you’re interested, read last Tuesday’s post before seeing this one.

Deny the desire for recognition says being praised or rebuked is not your task; you can’t make another person compliment you and, certainly, can’t make them hurt you. Therefore, you should deny the desire for recognition entirely.

(Again, to learn more about tasks and carrying out the separation of tasks, the first principle in this list, please see the previous post.)

A brief anecdote: a younger me came up with a similar principle, “Be self-battery powered.” Despite praise or rebuke for my work as a filmmaker (by the way, enjoy a film), I’d stay strong. What I didn’t intend on was the lack of attention I’d receive.¹ So psychologist Alfred Adler shares a better idea: deny the desire all together, not only recognition itself.

All problems are interpersonal relationship problems, and when we intrude on other’s tasks, we create problems. We get upset by the fact we can’t control a given phenomenon, and others, too, might get upset by our attempt.

So by providing recognition to others, we create what Adler calls vertical relationships. What you want to do, instead, is “the encouragement approach,” which creates horizontal relationships.

The encouragement approach features statements such as, “I’m glad,” or “Thank you,” in response to hearing other’s efforts. Recognition, on the other hand, is associated with statements like, “Good job,” or “Wow, you did great!”, implying that the person providing the recognition is capable or more than capable of doing the same task, hence it creating a “vertical relationship.”

We see this in workplaces, classrooms, families, and even friendships. It’s subtle, certainly, but you can avoid them — just use the encouragement approach.

Saying “I’m glad” appreciates the efforts of the other individual; it doesn’t strip them of their feeling self-reliant. Thus, the relationship becomes “horizontal.”

Vertical relationships ultimately are the source of problematic behavior — power struggles — which could be a whole other post to explain. For now, avoid recognizing others and, instead, encourage.

Your boss might serve you a compliment — fine, that’s nice of them to do. But don’t find yourself hurt when the compliments stop coming, or if a rebuking statement comes your way. A quote from Seneca that’s apt:

There was never a person whose grief was not heightened by surprise.

Denying the desire for recognition takes surprise out of the equation — don’t expect it, don’t give it. It’s that simple.

The argument to this is, “Shouldn’t giving compliments be okay?”. Consider what a compliment is, saying “You did great” for instance. What is it and what does that do, to yourself or another individual? It’s a reward for obedience. Likewise, how does “How could you let this happen?” sound? It’s stripping someone of that reward. Again, power struggles; a source for problems, a source for problematic behavior.

This is why Adler gives one of his most profound ideas: “To be disliked by others is freedom.” This is not to say go out and be disliked — it’s simply inevitable if you want to be free. The Courage to Be Disliked, a book that explains Adler’s ideas in detail and effectively, says the following:

The fact that there are people who do not think well of you is proof that you are living in freedom.

So, in conclusion, do your tasks — yours alone — and don’t be upset by what’s not your task, which, certainly, is being given recognition. In addition, don’t give recognition, praise or rebuke, for it’ll create vertical relationships, which will cause problems if not now then later.

Imagine living your life with others in harmony and being self-reliant with greater confidence.

Carry out the separation of tasks. These three principles by psychologist Alfred Adler will help you to eliminate your problems indefinitely, feeling relief, and in little time.

1. A film taking six months to produce received a view count of 141. ↩